After my last post about misogyny & monotheism a Jewish reader called me out for implying that the Old Testament only had Ten rules. And of course they were right. Suggesting that the first holy book of the Big Three desert religions was all about Moses and his two fistfuls of commandments is a gross over-simplification. Yes, I could’ve just went back into the post and corrected a line or two, but in the interest of total honesty I instead thought this deserved a full Rev. style retraction. Because as Taylor Mali said, “I have this little policy about honesty and ass-kicking, which is, if you ask for it I have to let you have it.”
It’s those first books of the Bible all the “God hates fags” people are constantly quoting from. And you know what? They’re right. Leviticus 18:22 does say that men shouldn’t beat each other with their ugly sticks, but then again, it also says it’s cool with slavery, so there’s that. But Leviticus, the third chapter of the Good Book, might be my favorite. I love it in the way I love bad B-movies and unintentional comedies. If you’re ever wondering about your place in the Judeo-Christian (after)world, turn here and see what the Lord expects from you and, rest assured, you are totally fucked. Then remember the words of that famous Pentecostal preacher, Sam Kinison, “If you’re going to miss Heaven, why miss it by two inches? Miss it!”
Right along with sodomy, everyone’s favorite tag-team spectator sport, Yahweh has some pretty serious dietary restriction for all His followers. The Word of God tells us that we should avoid clams, oysters, crabs, lobsters, and shrimp. We shouldn’t eat pork, blood, or fat, a bunch of different kinds of birds, or animals that walk on all fours and have paws because they’re also gastronomic abominations.
And if you’re trying to grow and raise your own food remember, you mustn’t crossbreed your animals, or plant different kinds of seeds in your garden. And no burning your yeast or honey, picking up grapes off the ground, or eating fruit from ‘uncircumcised’ trees (some translate this as less than three years old.) Which makes since, I mean really, who likes foreskin on their fruits?
Speaking of food: Dead human bodies – avoid them. No funerals, no wakes, not even for your parents. In fact, just avoid touching all dead things, even animals and bugs, 5:2-3, 11:8, 11:31… Unless of course it’s to sacrifice them to the Good Lord, because if that’s the case He gives explicit instructions how to sprinkle and finger paint with the blood 4:6-7, 4:17, move the entrails around, and burn the whole mess. Because it’s what Moses and Aaron would do, and because God loves that sweet, sweet aroma 23:13, 23:18. But you’d better not forget the salt! I won’t go anymore into detail because some out there might be ungodly enough to have weak stomachs. But they’d better toughen up because the Book says that these offerings are to be made down through the ages, forever. 7:30-36, 10:15, 23:14.
Like most parents, God the Father can get on our case about proper hygiene, things like not letting our hair get messy or shaggy, wearing clothes with rips in them, or ones that are made of different kinds of fabrics, or getting tattoos. He does however like a man in a big bushy beard and forbids trimming. This incidentally is why Rastafarians, Hasidic Jews, and Orthodox Muslims grow theirs. And no getting drunk in places of worship; it looks bad to have people staggering all over. Speaking of which, if you look a little gimpy – like handicapped, disfigured, or defective in any way, sorry, you’re not allowed to go near the altar of God because your very presence will profane it.
And any holy book would feel incomplete if it didn’t tell us how to fuck. Leviticus reminds us not to have sex with our neighbors’ animals, their slaves, or their other property: their wives . It says no sex with, or even approaching a woman who’s having her period. But if someone does get knocked up, make sure she stays away from her temple for thirty-three days after giving birth to a boy, or sixty-six days after having a girl. Giving birth makes women unclean, and you know, girls are twice as filthy as boys. And finally, this chapter gives us a long list of all the people in our families that we’re not suppose to go belly-to-belly with. Man, not even consensual incest? That’s it! Fuck that I’m converting!
There are some good parts of the chapter though; don’t steal, or lie, or deceive, don’t be a dick about ground-scores, don’t seek revenge or hold a grudge against your own, don’t fuck with deaf or blind people, (unless they’re heading towards the altar, of course). I never liked saying the Pledge of Allegiance in school, so I can get behind the one about not carelessly making oaths, and that just seems like good advice. The no working on the sabbath thing is pretty cool too, but I’m always for less work time and more life time. The God of Abraham must also like long weekends as He put the Muslim Sabbath on Friday, the Jews’ on Saturday, and Christians’ on Sunday.
Well, I hope you’ve been paying attention and taking notes. I know this week’s sermon was scripture-heavy and probably a bit dull, but it was for your own good, and it hurt me a lot more than it did you. According to the Book, a sin through ignorance is still a sin 4:2, 4:13-14, 4:22, 4:27, and nevertheless deserves a good smiting. And what should you expect if you, even accidentally, piss off this God of Love? Well, He’ll start off light with; terror, waisting disease, starvation, and fevers that’ll consume your eyes. Then he’ll make you become victimized by your worst enemies and send famine, plagues, and wild animals to maul you and devour your children. And if the beasts didn’t eat your kids, God will force you do it. No, He’s not fucking around. You’re lucky I’m here to warn you, and you’re welcome.